I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
