we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
