This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
