ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
