I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
