if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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