and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
