He uses pillows to masturbate.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
