im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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