So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I can't put those talents on a resume
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
