im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
