I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
