I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
