we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
