so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
