my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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