Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
no, he came in my armpit
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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