: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
