It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Never underestimate the power of titties
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
