dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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