after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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