U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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