Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
