I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
