hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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