I wanna passion pit in your ass
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
