If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
