I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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