no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
