so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
