i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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