Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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