Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
