she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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