When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Let's get the cat blown out
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
