this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
