i was born a porn star she said
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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