i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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