you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
