My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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