I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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