I puked a lego.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We have started to decorate penises.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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