I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
time to smoke my breakfast
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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