Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
