i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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