Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
