You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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