I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
