I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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