I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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